Buzzapp Master 
WHAT SORTS OF sex acts would make you lose respect for your partner faster than you could say, “That’s my little slut”? Are there any bedroom requests that feel at odds with love? Is it actually possible to be in a meaningful relationship with a good girl in the streets, but a freak in the sheets?
Abso-fucking-lutely. No sex act is antithetical to respect so long as it’s done between consenting adults. With the right (emotional) tools, it’s totally possible to slap, spank, name-call, and cum on a lover in the bedroom—while still respecting them in all rooms of the house and beyond, according to sex therapists and educators.
But here’s what some guys struggle with: Degrading sex goes against everything we’ve been taught about lovemaking, says AASECT-certified sex therapist Rufus Spann, Ph.D., founder of Libido Health, an app engineered to bridge sexual health and overall wellness.
The types of sex that are—and are not—shown in pop culture and pornography, for example, create a narrow view of what kind of sex is acceptable, with whom, and when, he explains. The sweet-somethings and eye-gazing of RomCom missionary sex make it seem like the only kind of kosher coitus between loving adults is degradation- (and kink-) free. Meanwhile, “the only time an individual lays their eyes on degrading acts is in porn, which don’t depict the act as something the woman wants or asks for,” says Spann. Rather, in porn women endure—not authentically enjoy—these acts. Unlearning these sexual scripts, which you’ve absorbed and internalized, is essential for exploring certain fantasies without them impacting your overall perception of your partner, says Spann.
Given that most of us grew up without medically accurate sex education, getting proper sex and kink education is a must for safely exploring any so-called degrading acts you and your partner(s) may be into, says Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast. Attending in-person and online kink workshops, listening to podcasts, and reading educational sex books can all help you identify the difference between what a certain sex act might look like on screen, and how to execute it safely and consensually IRL, she says.
This will also help you understand your own sexual desires and create boundaries that support your own comfort levels, interests, and kinks. Then, you’ll be better equipped to identify which degrading sex acts, if any, you’re open to exploring, and what circumstances need to be met for them to happen, says Spann. After all, not wanting to debase a partner in bed doesn’t necessarily mean you have some sexual scripts to rewrite. Or that re-writing them will take your interest from zero to 100. You may just not be into degradation, and that’s okay!
But if you’re curious about why some people desire degrading sex and the pleasurable perks it can offer—plus, how to explore such acts with your comfort and your partner’s safety top of mind—read on.
First, let’s define what makes a sex act degrading.“WHAT CONSTITUTES A degrading sex act is very much in the eye of the beholder,” says Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a social psychologist, research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Degrading sex acts, as is the case with kinky ones, are defined according to the specific cultural context in which an individual was raised. So, what qualifies as degrading for one person might feel like just another Tuesday night for another and can even feel empowering or affirming to someone else, he says.
For example, an estimated 26 percent of people think it’s inherently disrespectful to ejaculate on their partner’s face, according to a small survey put out by Bad Girls Bible. And while some people enjoy facials because of that fact, others find that it increases pleasure for reasons divorced from a desire to degrade or be degraded, says Lehmiller. If you have a partner who relishes in the physical feel of ejaculation on their skin or who is vocal about wanting to witness your orgasm up close and personal, you might be less likely to see this sex act as degrading, he explains.
With that, for the purposes of this article and conversation, a degrading sex act is anything that feels degrading to enact for you personally. Given the ineffable nature of sex acts, it is likely that you and your partner disagree about what sex acts are degrading—and, in fact, what makes you blush might turn them on.
Degrading sex acts can be hot to receive.IT MIGHT SOUND counterintuitive, but some people find it empowering to be degraded in pre-negotiated settings that they have enthusiastically agreed to, says Wright. For instance, in a world that degrades women without their consent, some like flipping that script on its head in the bedroom, she explains. No question, being called a slut by a loving partner is different than having the word shouted at you by a stranger on the way to work.
Others enjoy degradation because they have, yes, a degradation kink. Essentially the opposite of a praise kink (think: “That’s my good girl”), a degradation kink marks the capacity to enjoy being verbally and/or physically treated with little respect, says Wright. For some, the pleasure of degradation lies in the auditory experience of being put down with names and words. For others, eroticism bubbles to the surface when they are instructed to say degrading things about themself or perform certain sex acts, she says. In fact, up to a quarter of women derive pleasure from things that are embarrassing or degrading in the right, consensual contexts, according to research in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
“Oftentimes, an interest in degrading sex acts goes along with an interest in Dominance/submission,” says Lehmiller. A sub might enjoy giving over their power to you in a pre-negotiated scene where you spit-roast them, make them beg, call them names, force them to orgasm until they are human putty, or wear a leash and collar at a sex party, for example.
Others, meanwhile, may be aroused by the intimacy that accompanies all the vulnerable conversations and negotiations before any of these so-called degrading sex acts can take place, says Spann. “Having open conversations about your desires and wants can build trust between sexual partners.”
They can also be hot to give!IN THE HEAT of the moment, have you and your partner enjoyed when you give their booty a thwack, spit in their mouth, or ask them who owns their pussy or hole? Well, congratulations, you’ve dipped a toe into the erotic potential of degrading a partner for mutual pleasure.
Some people are into degrading a partner simply because they enjoy helping them explore these desires, says Spann. It can take a lot of trust to share and explore your fantasies with another person, creating a connective and emotionally-fulfilling experience, he adds.
Others enjoy degrading a partner as a way to reinforce a mutually agreed-upon power exchange, says Spann. Some degrading sex acts have a BDSM component (think: whipping, tying up, name-calling), which can reinforce an oh-so-sexy power dynamic between a more Dominant and more submissive partner, he explains.
What to do if your partner wants to be degraded:IF YOUR PARTNER expresses an interest in being degraded and you’re immediately down, go forth! Just be sure to get detailed about exactly how they want to be degraded, says Spann. After all, being called a cum dumpster is a very different experience than being peed on, forced to gag on it, or given a facial. “You should also create a safe word to ensure that all involved are respected and supported,” he says.
But if your partner expresses a fantasy or desire that initially makes you uncomfortable, Lehmiller suggests getting curious. Start by asking, “What do you find hot or arousing about this particular sex act?” It’s possible that something you see as degrading to your partner does not feel degrading to them at all. Inviting them to share the nitty-gritty of their fantasy—and refraining from judgement as they do so—will help you get on the same page.
Of course, it’s also possible that your boo does see the act as degrading, and they find degradation to be hot. “Either way, better understanding their perspective is a good starting point,” Lehmiller says. Rest assured, once saddled with this additional information, if you’re still—or perhaps, even more—uncomfortable, that is okay, says Wright. Having sexual boundaries isn’t just acceptable, it’s good.
While you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do, Lehmiller suggests meeting your partner’s vulnerable share with an alternative proposition that would work for you. For instance, if your partner wants a facial, but you’re not comfortable with that, consider where else on their body you might be willing to ejaculate, such as their stomach or breasts, he says. Similarly, if you don’t feel comfortable slapping your lover across the face, consider whether you’d be open to applying more pressure when touching their ass or pulling their hair. Depending on the act and your comfort level, you could also suggest watching porn that features the act-in-question rather than doing a variation of it together, or dirty talking about it in person or via sext.
But—and this is important—it is also fair if you can’t get on board in any way, shape, or form to the degradation your partner is proposing.
Some couples might use this mismatch as an opportunity to open up the sexual relationship, or to hand out a hall pass. Others may decide this sexual incompatibility is reason enough to part ways, so neither person has to sacrifice what they really want in bed. No matter where you and your partner land, what’s most important is that you work together in finding a way to honor both of your desires.
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a sex and fitness journalist committed to helping people feel the best they can in their bodies. In addition to Men’s Health, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Women’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called Bad In Bed. Follow her on Instagram @Gabriellekassel.
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