Buzzapp Master 
Nothing splits up a friend group quite like internal beef—which is why when two people stop talking to each other, it puts the rest of the crew in a tough, lose-lose situation. Stay neutral? You risk seeming fake or “disloyal.” Pick a side? That might just fracture the group further. So how are you supposed to decide what to do without stirring up any drama yourself?
“Growing up, a lot of us were meant to believe that if your friend doesn’t like someone, you shouldn’t like them either,” Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist, tells SELF. But realistically, adult friendships are much more nuanced. Sure, there are times when “choosing a side” may make sense, like if one person did something egregiously hurtful or unforgivable (they slept with the other person’s partner, say, or made a blatantly racist or sexist remark). But most platonic fallouts aren’t so black-and-white—and don’t require theatrical loyalty wars, as seen in reality TV shows like Selling Sunset and most recently the new season of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.
Just because the whole crew doesn’t have to split into two teams doesn’t mean it’s easy to navigate when two friends are on the rocks. Here’s how to support one (or both) pals while keeping the group chat civil.
1. First, assess how much each friendship means to you.Before deciding how to handle this friend group drama, you should first ask yourself, Do all of these relationships feel equally important to me? Because while you definitely don’t have to choose sides, you might want to if it means honoring a close pal’s feelings.
“A lot of it depends on the friendship constellation,” Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community, tells SELF. Meaning, it’s understandable if you’re inclined to prioritize your childhood bestie over the new pal who hurt her or feel fed up with the snarky gossip who’s always stirring the pot.
That said, don’t go full Mean Girls. “Loyalty is important, but not at the expense of kindness and respect,” Barbie Atkinson, LPC, founder of Catalyst Counseling in Houston, tells SELF. So resist icing anyone out or intentionally excluding them. Depending on the situation, you can still be cordial or see them occasionally, though it’s best to be transparent, Dr. Bradford adds. For example, “Hey, I just ran into Taylor and we caught up a bit. I wanted to let you know so it doesn’t feel shady.”
2. Don’t rush a reconciliation just to ease your own discomfort.It would be nice to push everyone together for a group hug. But forcing people to make up—especially before they’re ready—can be counterproductive and even dismissive of what happened, Atkinson explains.
Instead, she suggests checking in with each person individually (in other words, not putting them on the spot in the group chat) to see if they’re even open to working things out. (Maybe they are up for a heart-to-heart down the line, but right now they need time and space.) What’s key, however, is bringing up the idea of reconnecting in a respectful, not-pushy way like, “Would you feel better talking to them eventually, or would you prefer not having this person in your life?” Then, most importantly, accept if their answer to a possible make-up sesh is no (in which case, the other tips below may come in handy).
3. Validate their frustration without joining in on the gossip.You may want to support both parties in theory. But staying neutral is a lot harder in practice, especially when one friend starts bad-mouthing the other—and expects you to “prove” your loyalty by joining in.
“There’s this assumption that being a good friend means staying quiet and listening to gossip,” Dr. Le Goy says. “But if it’s important for you to preserve both relationships, then it really needs to be stated explicitly that you don’t want to get involved.”
Luckily, you can still validate their pain and frustration while also setting kind, clear boundaries: For example, “I understand why you’re so hurt, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about Jen when they’re not here.” You can also gently redirect the conversation back to their emotions, not the person on the receiving end of their rant (“I’m sorry you’re going through this. How can I help you feel better?”).
4. And avoid discussing them behind their backs with the group.It’s natural to want to process the drama with your other friends, especially when things get juicy. Wait, so what happened exactly? This person said this, but the other one told a completely different story!
“It can be difficult sometimes, because you just want to talk about what’s happening,” Dr. Le Goy says. But trying to make sense of the situation is very different from straight-up gossiping behind people’s backs, which will only keep the group divided. Instead, if you must talk about the elephant in the room, she recommends focusing on problem-solving rather than rehashing friend group drama—asking questions like “What can we do?” or “How can we improve the situation?” is a much healthier, more productive, and supportive approach.
5. Tell them when they’re both invited to the same event—and let them decide what to do.Sooo…do you invite neither of them to your group hangs? Secretly ask one but not the other? Reach out to both and pray the vibe stays somewhat chill? Generally speaking, “The best thing would be for somebody in the group to just have a conversation with both of them, separately, and ask how they’d prefer to interact,” Dr. Bradford says.
So instead of blindsiding them (or on the flip side, assuming they don’t want an invite), you could say, “Hey, I know you’re no longer friends, and I just want to be respectful of that. How would you feel about being in the same space?” or “I’m hosting a housewarming party next week, and I’m inviting the whole group. I’d love for you to come, but I understand if it’s too uncomfortable with everything going on.”
What might happen is that “one person won’t be interested in going to anything if the other person will be there,” Dr. Bradford says. “Or they might both agree they’re fine to be in the same room, as long as they’re not seated next to each other at the dinner table.” The point is that rather than making assumptions, you’re being transparent and letting them choose.
6. Strategically choose activities that’ll distract from any tension.Now, let’s say the two ex-buds agree to tolerate each other for the day (yay!)—but you’re still worried about lingering tension or, worse, a full-on confrontation. For obvious reasons, a small, intimate gathering with only five people could quickly get uncomfortable, which is why Dr. Le Goy suggests bringing in more people, if possible. That way, “There’s less pressure for them to interact or have a conversation,” she explains.
Also, strategically planning activities that keep everyone engaged can help distract from any awkward energy, Atkinson says. Think trivia nights, movies, workout classes—whatever will draw attention away from the fact that two people are avoiding each other at all costs.
Still, the vibe might still get a little messy despite your best efforts—a snarky comment slips out, the energy suddenly shifts as one of them walks in. In moments like these, it could help to gently redirect the conversation to someone’s adorable top or your own job hunt, Atkinson suggests. Oh, and be prepared to potentially intervene directly if things do escalate, she adds (“Woah, I want us all to enjoy the night! Can we put this aside for now?”).
Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee that the group dynamic will ever return to what it used to be. Ideally, though, these expert strategies can at least help you handle a sour situation respectfully—while preventing it from turning catty and cliquey.
Related:
5 Signs You’ve Got a Secretly Competitive FriendHow to Survive a Friends’ Trip—and Actually Stay Friends5 Subtle Signs You’ve Got a ‘Victim Mentality,’ According to ExpertsGet more of SELF’s great friendship advice delivered right to your inbox—for free.
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