‘I had an abortion

In Lalalaletmeexplain ‘s popular column, readers ask for her expert advice on love, sex and relationship dilemmas. With a following of over 200k on Instagram, Lala is the anonymous voice guiding women through every hiccup that might get thrown their way. As an experienced sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s encountered her fair share of relationship drama and shares her insights with a dedicated fan base on social media.

Every week, thousands flock to her for answers to their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her humorous, straightforward approach to love and relationships has made her the go-to guru for feel-good advice. To see what she has to say in this week’s column, keep reading…

The woman is concerned about the future of her relationship
(Image: Getty Images)

Dear Lala,

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months now and foolishly gotten pregnant. I immediately told him I was going to be having an abortion and he said it was fully my choice and he would be there for me as I went through with it. Unfortunately he ended up being a disappointment and distanced himself when I was taking the pills and was very aloof. I expected the bare minimum would be him keeping me company while the pills took effect. Turns out he was upset about it and just didn’t tell me. Now we’re in this really awkward situation and I feel like it’s ruined any chance of us having a future together. Is this redeemable or even worth trying to redeem? I never thought an abortion would be so emotional!

Lala Says,

Abortions are a hugely emotional thing. It’s rare to not feel emotional in some way, even when you’re certain that you’re doing the right thing and you have no regrets. It’s a huge decision to make and you’re making it whilst full of pregnancy hormones, hormones that mess with your emotions at the best of times, let alone at the worst. You should have had his support whilst you were going through it as the bare minimum.

When you don’t have a surgical abortion, the termination of pregnancy involves taking tablets at home. You have to go through a painful and traumatic experience that can last for a couple of days. Most women don’t want to be alone for that. Wanting the man who was partly responsible for the pregnancy to support you through it is a very low expectation. They absolutely should be there. Morally there is something very off about not showing up with emotional support and basic care during a time when you were semi-responsible for creating the traumtic event that the person needs support for. He failed to meet your needs at a time when you needed him the most.

Distancing himself and becoming aloof must have felt really lonely and painful. To be rejected and abandoned at your most vulnerable time is cruel and selfish. It is important to acknowledge that abortions can be painful and confusing for men too. His feeling of being upset was valid, he’s allowed to be upset. Perhaps he felt like he couldn’t face the reality of it and didn’t want to have to bear witness to it. But you had no choice, you couldn’t run away from the reality, you had to face it, and you shouldn’t have had to do that alone.

He could have been upset whilst physically being with you. He could have told you beforehand that he was struggling with managing his feelings. He could have sought advise from friends or a therapist and worked out how he could support you whilst looking after his own mental health. He could have pushed his stuff to one side and dealt with it at a later date, after the termination had happened. But he did none of that, he went into himself and put his own feelings way above yours. This isn’t something he can come back to and support you with at anytime – he had a small window of time to show up properly and he failed to. He can never get that time back.

One thing that you can take from this is that you did the right thing. This man would have been a terrible Father. He has shown you that he lacks emotional intelligence and a moral compass and those things are regularly tested when you have a child with someone. What is it that you’re trying to redeem with him? If things were amazing and he was a solid partner for a long time and then he lost it during the actual termination but has come back strongly remorseful and has actively engaged with therapy, then perhaps there might be something to redeem.

But if things were OK and then this happened and you realised that you couldn’t trust him with the big stuff and that he doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to be able to rely on him during the very hardest times then what is there to redeem? You’re right to feel shaken. What you went through was physically and emotionally intense, and you deserved comfort, care, and presence. He offered support in words, but disappeared when it mattered most. That tells you something crucial, he’s not someone you can rely on in crisis. It’s not wrong that he felt upset, but it is wrong that he abandoned you while you were in pain. Emotional maturity is about showing up even when it’s hard, not disappearing because it is.

You’ve seen how he responds under pressure, and it wasn’t with compassion or strength. If this is who he is at your worst moment, is he someone you can build a future with? You didn’t ruin the future. He revealed he wasn’t capable of one worth having. And now you know.

If you need some support or information for an abortion, you can visit the BPAS website here.

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