‘My partner looks at other women’s pictures for gratification

In Lalalaletmeexplain’s popular column, readers ask for her expert advice on love, sex and relationship dilemmas. With a following of over 200k on Instagram, Lala is the anonymous voice guiding women through every hiccup that might get thrown their way. As an experienced sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s encountered her fair share of relationship drama and shares her insights with a dedicated fan base on social media.

Every week, thousands flock to her for answers to their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her humorous, straightforward approach to love and relationships has made her the go-to guru for feel-good advice. To see what she has to say in this week’s column, keep reading…

Lalalaletmeexplain is here to answer your relationship and dating dilemmas
(Image: Getty Images)

Dear Lala,

My partner of a year and seven months is screenshotting a woman he is friends with selfies from social media for self gratification. He doesn’t know I know. Should I call it a day? For context, I looked on his phone in his deleted pictures folder and found a few selfies of a lady he is friends with on Facebook. I then noticed at the bottom of the picture there’s another image, a small open box in the corner with a lady giving a man oral sex. I can now only assume he is playing porn whilst her picture is up on his screen. I don’t know where to go with this feeling that I’m not good enough and also feeling totally disrespected.

Lala says…

Finding that must have felt so shocking. I am curious as to what motivated you to go through his phone in the first place? It sounds like maybe you were feeling not good enough and disrespected before you found anything and that’s what prompted you to search through his phone. When we feel we need to breach a partner’s privacy and go through their phone without consent, it’s either because we have some huge trust or insecurity issues of our own and we are using them against our partner or it’s because we have a strong feeling that they’re not being honest with us about something. I would leave a relationship before checking a man’s phone. If I felt I needed to check it, that would be enough for me to exit.

What you found is pretty gross. It appears that your partner was secretly using someone he personally knows for sexual gratification. He was taking images from her personal life without consent. Of course, you don’t actually need consent before screenshotting pictures from social media, but it is violating for him to use those pictures to masturbate to. It looks as though he is pairing those pictures with pornographic content, creating a fantasy where someone real is being objectified while he’s in a committed relationship with you. It’s not a kink if the other person isn’t aware that they’re being used as part of that kink, it’s not a harmless sexual fantasy, it is a violation.

It’s important to remember that this isn’t happening because of you. This has nothing to do with your worth or value or how attractive he finds you. This does not mean that he thinks the woman in the pictures is better than you or that he finds her more sexually attractive. Men in healthy relationships with women who they adore still have sexual urges and desires for other people, it’s normal. Men in healthy relationships can still masturbate thinking of other women and that has no bearing on their relationship or feelings towards their partner. However, the issue here is that he has been secretly creating w**k material out of women he knows behind your back, and that feels icky.

“It’s important to remember that this isn’t happening because of you,” says Lala
(Image: Getty Images)

The questions you need to ask yourself are: Why did you feel the need to check his phone in the first place and does that indicate that the trust had already gone? Will you ever be able to feel safe and secure with him again after this? How would he react if the roles were reversed? Do you think he’d be OK with you creating porn out of images of men you know or indulging in solo sex to images of your male pals? How has the relationship been outside of this, is it something worth fighting for?

You were obviously going through his phone looking for something, if you find evidence and you don’t bring it up or act on it, then what was the point in going through the phone? Though it’s not evidence of direct cheating, it has certainly added to what sound like your existing feelings of not being good enough and not being respected enough. Being single is better than being in a relationship that makes you feel lonely and suspicious. You are allowed to leave when people cross boundaries. You’re allowed to feel that he has crossed a line.

I would imagine that it’s quite likely that if you do bring it up, the argument will be turned back on you for breaching his privacy. It will become about you inspecting his phone rather than what you found. I’d also hazard a guess that he will say it’s some kind of phone glitch that caused the two pictures to merge onto one, or he will say that you’re being over the top for caring so much about something he used as w*****g material and that it’s not cheating. And he’d be right, fantasising over other people isn’t cheating, but boundaries have still been crossed.

I think that if you’re questioning whether you should call it a day, and if you’ve felt that things weren’t right anyway, then this is certainly enough to justify ending it. Think about what is keeping you there, unless it’s safe, trusting, joyful, and peaceful, it’s not worth clinging on to.

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