‘My stepdad cheated on my mum and got her friend pregnant

In Lalalaletmeexplain’s hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping woman kind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week’s column, simply continue reading…

Lalalaletmeexplain is on hand to answer your relationship and dating dilemmas
(Image: GETTY)

Dear Lala,

My mum recently found out that my step dad has been cheating on her with their mutual friend and colleague (they all work together). They’ve been married 10 years, so mum was obviously devastated. A few weeks after my step dad moved out, we found out that his new partner was pregnant. Me and my brother are 28 and 24, and my mum never desired to have more children, but this has still been heartbreaking and feels like the ultimate betrayal. Now she has to work with his new partner whilst she goes through pregnancy and it’s a constant reminder.

Now for my questions. Firstly, my mum now constantly refers to his new partner as ‘the b***h’ and talks about her with so much more venom than my step dad. It makes me so angry. I’ve asked her to try and not do this but she can’t help herself. Am I wrong for thinking her anger is misdirected? How do I help her channel this toward him instead? I feel like that would help her move on. Secondly, how can I empower my mum that she will be so much better off without him? She’s so sad whenever I talk to her and I’m running out of things to say.

Lala says…

This is literally what I believe hell must be like. What your mum is having to endure for five days a week, eight hours a today, is akin to torture. Having to sit with the woman while her pregnancy develops, knowing what she’s done, must be incredibly hard. Your mum can refer to that woman as whatever she wants until the end of time if it helps her to get through it. Though you’re right that the sooner she can accept it and be less furious the better – for her own sake. It’s healthy that you’re not colluding with that behaviour and you’re right that the person who really betrayed and mistreated her was him, and so he deserves vitriol too. I’m not sure that she is misdirecting her anger though, not in this situation where they work together everyday. She has been betrayed by both of them. I’d expect the venom to be somewhat equal. But as you say, the goal is to get to a place where the venom isn’t poisoning her anymore.

She might be blaming her as a way to cope with the intense pain of the betrayal, even though the real issue is with your stepdad. It might help to gently encourage your mum to focus on his actions and the damage he caused, while reminding her that the new partner isn’t to blame for all of her hurt. A calm conversation about how directing her anger at him could help her feel empowered might be a good way to approach this, but it’ll take time for her to process.

The reader says their experience “feels like the ultimate betrayal”
(Image: GETTY)

To help to empower her, you can remind her of her worth, how wonderful she is, and what an incredible mum she has been, remind her of the things she is good at, and the things she enjoys or values. Focus on helping her see that she deserves respect and happiness, and that this betrayal didn’t happen because she’s not good enough, or because the other woman is better than her in any way. Shifting the focus away from the relationship and onto her personal growth and future can help her see the potential for a better life ahead. You could try suggesting things she can do for herself – whether it’s a new hobby, reconnecting with friends, or focusing on changing her career so that she doesn’t need to bear witness to this developing pregnancy.

Show her how capable she is and reassure her that life can be fulfilling, even more so now that she is free from a relationship that was abusive at times. Get her to follow me and read my book so that she can connect with other women who have learnt to thrive after being put through the mill by cheating or abusive men. Suggest that she has some counselling or therapy so that she has a space where she can process the deep pain that she must still be experiencing.

Try not to minimise what has happened or to rush her through to the stage of acceptance, instead, acknowledge her pain and listen to her, give her the space to feel however she is feeling. At the same time, you can continually remind her of her worth, take her out for nice days out, encourage her to start living life again. She will be feeling emotions similar to grief, she will be grieving the end of the relationship and she will also probably be pretty shell shocked by it all. Heartbreak and grief go through similar stages, so be patient with her and help to guide her through the stages with compassion.

Story Saved

You can find this story in  My Bookmarks.Or by navigating to the user icon in the top right.