Buzzapp Master 
An aerial view of the ByWard Market at night. There’s anelement of magical thinking about the latest plan. Photo by OTTAWA TOURISMArticle content
Every time I think we’ve hit rock-bottom, this town manages to go one further and burst through the membrane that separates our special city from the rest of the normal world. The ByWard Market “night ambassadors” pilot project is so profoundly weird I had to rewatch the Barbie movie to make sense of it.
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The program, which sounds like it was invented by Will Ferrell’s Mattel CEO character, will see ambassadors roaming the Market looking for trouble to prevent, people to orient and drunks to separate from their car keys. Because goodness knows that we in Ottawa are so inept at going out that we need assistance to do it in the prescribed manner.
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You know when Barbie and Ken get to the real world with their fluorescent rollerblades and find everything jarring? I think our night mayor, Mathieu Grondin, assumes visitors are as baffled by Ottawa as the plastic couple is by Venice Beach. Do we really think tourists wouldn’t understand how to enjoy life after sundown without smiling guides helping them find brewski beer or a safe ride back to their dojo mojo casa house?
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Playing social worker
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Ambassadors are also expected to play social workers and de-escalate potential conflicts between the overly inebriated, and offer phone chargers to the forgetful and water bottles to the parched. First aid, too. On the plus side, the pilot project for our human Swiss army knives will only cost $35,000. We can be ridiculous inexpensively, I guess. Grondin calls this a safety program but “also a well-being and caring program,” and while I never want anyone to think that I’m against people being their best selves, let’s just say the Ken-ergy is overwhelming.
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“I want people who may have had bad experiences here to come back and know that there’s going to be people watching their back for them,” Grondin added, which only made things worse. Now it feels like Ottawa has won the Nobel prize in horses.
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Out of curiosity, are we ever going to get actual value out of this night commissioner gig? The joke is getting a little stale.
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Ottawa’s Nightlife Commissioner, Mathieu Grondin. Is this gig working to our benefit? Photo by TONY CALDWELL /POSTMEDIAArticle content
As for bad experiences, what exactly are we talking about? Getting lost? The Market isn’t big enough. Terrible service and bad food? What can ambassadors do to fix that? Safety issues or unwanted experiences of a sexual nature? Same question.
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I guess if your past bad experiences in Ottawa include not knowing where to get a Band-Aid for that heel blister your new shoes gave you, then you’re covered. I’m really struggling to find anything more useful for ambassadors to do. Sure, they can help people who feel unsafe by walking with them to their vehicles. But if the Market feels that unsafe, shouldn’t we deal with the problem instead of relying on smiling ambassadors?
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